The birth of a mother: a psychological evolution - Aramesh Clinic | Serenity Clinic
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No experience in a woman's life is more impactful, inclusive and transformative than motherhood. The transition from woman to mother is a profound psychological experience that both overlaps with and is separate from the physical experience of motherhood. This article examines the psychological birth process of a mother by discussing the following: the identity change that occurs; Why is it important to understand the psychological experience of mothers; different stages of transformation; Factors that affect transformation; and the ways that motherhood affects a woman's identity, relationships, and career.
No experience in a woman's life is more impactful, profound, pervasive, and transformative than motherhood. Changing from a woman to a mother has a deep and lasting effect on a woman's psyche. When a woman desires or becomes pregnant, those around her tend to focus on her physical experience of motherhood and of course the health of her unborn baby. Giving birth to a mother, as any woman who has experienced this transition knows, is more than just the major biological changes and physical events that take place in her body. Motherhood is a profound psychological transformational experience that both overlaps with and is separate from the physical experience of motherhood. Living with a child redefines a woman's sense of identity in ways she may never have expected. For some women, the transition to motherhood is smooth. For others, each stage of change presents major challenges. Some mothers are born at the moment when they first wish to have their child. Other mothers don't fully conceive until weeks, months, or even years after the physical birth of their first child. The time, experience, and process of psychological birth of the "maternal mindset" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p.3) varies from woman to woman. In this article, I explore the psychological process of motherhood, including: the identity change that occurs; Why is it important to understand the psychological experience of mothers; different stages of transformation; Factors that affect transformation; and the ways that motherhood affects a woman's identity, relationships, and career.
While writing this article, I spoke with many of my fellow mothers in my personal circle of family, friends, and community. I asked some of these women to share their experiences of motherhood with me for the purpose of this article. In sharing their stories, I have protected their privacy by changing their names and removing identifying information.
The Female Hero's Journey
Since the early days of psychoanalysis and the influence of Freud, who was “unable to see women as human beings capable of providing their own universal norms” (Jennings Walstead, 1976, p. 2), there has been a view that motherhood is little more than a minor change in organization. The psyche does not create a woman. "No one thought that a woman's mental life could change so fundamentally with the arrival of a baby" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 5). This could not be further from the truth. Dr. Luann Brizendin, author of The Female Brain, writes, “Motherhood changes you because it literally changes a woman's brain—structurally, functionally, and in many ways, irreversibly” (Brizendin, 2006, p. 95). According to Brenner, the process of becoming a mother is a rite of passage.
Pregnancy and childbirth are fundamental beginnings for women. Beyond the temporal significance of the nine months, the pregnant woman experiences an archetypal experience equivalent to the journey of the hero/heroine. It is an experience that transcends time. By passing through this initiation, women connect with the mother (primordial feminine archetype) and the realm of feminine mysteries. Every aspect of being is involved: physical changes, changes in status, movement to a higher level of consciousness and spiritual flourishing. This experience gives women the ability to access and expand their self-knowledge. (Paragraph 2) Changing from wife to mother is the most profound psychological transformation that a woman can experience during her life (Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998). This is not a simple change. One of the mothers I interviewed wrote about her transformation process:
Becoming a mother completely changed my identity. I used to describe myself as an expert, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter… and then I lost that sense. I was no longer a career-focused professional. I didn't have time to be a wife or a friend. I had become a mother and it was all I could eat, breathe or think. I was no longer an independent person and I didn't have time to think about it. As a new side of motherhood emerged, I devoted all my energy and time to being the most informed and best mother I could be. (Adriana) This psychological transformation is not something a new mother can be fully prepared for. Even when a woman knows it's going to happen, it can still be shocking and painful. Many women feel lost and unsure of who they are during what they are often told should be the best time of their lives. This can make new moms feel like they must have a big problem. The reality is that getting lost in the ordeal that is new motherhood is all too common. There is a whole new part of you to get to know – your baby. Your identity now includes another entity. As a mother, your identity is “split in two, your independence cut in half” (Wolf, 2001, p. 60). Your personal needs and desires are no longer your top priority. "You are no longer a free agent in the world who is ultimately responsible for yourself. Your new duties as a mother are irreversible" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 14). The task of integrating your old and new identity can be an emotional rollercoaster. One new mother I spoke to said:
I don't think I could have understood the magnitude of the change in my life until it actually happened. People tell you how life-changing it is, but you can't fully understand it until you've been in it yourself. I was also surprised by how much I missed my "previous" life, even though I wanted kids and was excited to be a mom. And it still happens often. (Dawn)
Why is the process of transformation of a mother important?
Understanding the psychology of mothers is essential because the psychological transformation that occurs has an emotional impact on the children they raise. In a recent article on the importance of studying mothering, Dr. Alexandra Sacks (2017) writes: The process of mothering, which anthropologists call "mothering," remains largely unknown in the medical community. Instead of focusing on the transition of female identity, more research focuses on how the baby becomes. But it is important to examine a woman's story, in addition to how her psychology affects her parenting... (Paragraph 4) When a woman has a better understanding of the psychological process of motherhood, she can influence her children in a positive way. By becoming more aware of her process, she may be able to better tune in to her child's emotional needs (Sacks, 2017). Although both mothers and fathers certainly go through a process of transformation when entering the world of parenthood, the journey is especially impactful for mothers because we have the unique experience of the deeply personal mother-child bond that forms within our bodies over the many months of child development (Tasbari, 2010). Sometimes it's scary. It is an “internal and often private experience” (Stern & Bruschwiler-Stern, 1998, p. 3). A mother's mental labor, like the stages of physical labor, includes its own labor pains. However, childbirth in this process is not physical, but emotional. The duration, ease or discomfort of this emotional birthing process varies from woman to woman. While the physical birth of a child is a defining moment, the exact time of a mother's birth may not be so clear. Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern (1998) state: This maternal mindset is not born the moment the baby cries its first cry. A mother's birth does not happen in one dramatic and decisive moment, but rather gradually emerges from the cumulative work of many months that precede and follow the actual birth of the baby. (Page 3) With the beginning of emotional childbirth, the painful process of leaving the woman who was once also begins. As a new part of her is born, the pre-maternal identity begins to undergo a process of death. Many women in my community have spoken to me about feeling lost in the process of motherhood. Our culture does not give women much space to mourn this loss. We're expected to be grateful for a healthy baby and unpaid maternity leave from work to adjust to our new lives. In her book Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood (2001), Naomi Wolf writes, "Culture often insists that we keep the full range of our feelings and discoveries hidden" (p. 2). She discusses her concerns about positive psychology and the "happy talk" that makes up so much of the literature available to pregnant women.
But as any woman who has experienced it herself knows, the transition from womanhood to motherhood is not all rosy and rosy. In the often overlooked shadow of motherhood, there is a darker side. Positive psychology culture does not allow women to express their problems with new motherhood. Additionally, many women find that when they do express their problems, they are quickly labeled with postpartum depression and prescribed antidepressants. This message says that your problems are not normal and if you are not enjoying the glory of motherhood, you must have a big problem. Postpartum depression is a very serious mental health concern for an estimated 7.5% to 15.5% of Canadian women (Public Health Agency of Canada, 2014), and it is important to be appropriately diagnosed and treated. However, just because a woman is struggling with motherhood does not automatically mean she will experience postpartum depression. Sacks (2017) reviews this topic and writes: "Women often face a false dichotomy: either they have postpartum depression or they have to go through the transition to motherhood easily."
Stages of childbirth: preparation, active labor, adaptation
Dr. Daniel Stern and Nadia Bruschweiler-Stern in their book "Mother's Birth" (1998) state They do: the birth process of maternal mindset goes through stages. A new identity requires that you first prepare yourself mentally for the change, then undergo a lot of emotional work to reveal new aspects of yourself, and finally work hard to integrate these changes into the rest of your life.
Preparation
We can compare the preparation stage of emotional labor to the initial stage of physical labor. The contractions start, but we don't have enough time to push at all. The first step in the preparation stage is to decide to become a mother. When a woman consciously decides that she wants to become a mother, she prepares herself to allow the mother archetype into her life. Vengi Bergum, author of Woman to Mother: A Transformation (1989), writes: Opening up to the possibility of motherhood, of making room in one's life for a child, begins with a thoughtful decision... This decision, including both thought and action, is the beginning of change. By reaching the decision about children in their lives, women begin their transformation into mothers. (Page 51) Biology can also play a role in creating the early stages of emotional labor in the maternal mindset. When a woman holds a baby, perhaps a friend or family member, the pheromones carried by the baby's head can stimulate the woman's brain to produce oxytocin, the love hormone. For some women, this experience can lead to “babe lust” – a strong desire to have children (Brizandin, 2006, p. 97). The next step in the preparation process is fertilization. Jungian analyst Reina Maria Köhler (2013) writes that within hours of conception, the mother archetype is activated: a great example is the activation that occurs within hours of conception. A zygote that has already divided several times "learns," that is, it receives a chemical signal from the mother that tells it to be in the fallopian tube. This signal activates a specific gene in the zygote to produce and release a hormone in the fallopian tube and the mother's body that essentially says, "Hi Mom, here I am. Please prepare to accept me into your womb and prepare to support my growth for the next nine months." It can be said that this is the first embodiment of the mother archetype, where the archetype is the genetic pattern of communication between mother and child and child and mother, that is, a very old common pattern in the human race; And the visualization of those two signals is transmitted from the mother's fallopian tube to the fetus and then the hormonal signal from the fetus to the mother.
Kendra, one of the mothers I interviewed, described her experience as follows: From the moment the second line appeared on the pregnancy test, I felt like a mother. Being a mother was all I wanted in my life and in that moment I felt like all my hopes and dreams had come true. I knew that baby and I loved him dearly. Finding out the gender added another layer to it because she now had an identity, a name and an image of what we would one day share. But in my heart and soul, I was a mother long before I held my little boy in my arms. I carried him in my heart for nine months and was his mother. Thus, we can see that while a woman's body begins to change and adapt to the new life growing in her womb, her "mind is actively preparing the way for her new identity" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 20). In the months after conception, as her belly swells and the baby takes up more and more space in her body, a woman's identity, as she knows it, continues to change. He may begin to question aspects of himself, his beliefs, lifestyle choices, relationships, and career. An expectant mother is likely to find her identity questioned as she awakens to the new reality that her life, just like her body, is no longer solely her own. Erich Neumann (1955) explains this as follows: First and foremost, the woman experiences her transformative personality naturally and unreflectively in pregnancy, in her relationship with the child's development, and in childbirth. Here, the woman is a member and a tool for transforming the structure of herself and the child inside and outside herself. Therefore, for the woman, the transforming personality - even her own transformation - is related to the issue of the relationship with the mother from the very beginning... The development of the fetus already changes the personality of the woman.
Simultaneously with the development of the fetus, the progesterone level of the woman increases drastically during pregnancy. This hormone has a calming effect on her nervous system and helps deal with the flood of cortisol and other stress hormones produced by the fetus and placenta. This results in general relaxation for the pregnant woman, but also makes her hyper-vigilant about her health and safety and that of her unborn baby (Brizandin, 2006). Women who may have been fiercely independent before pregnancy and even early in pregnancy may “experience an altered sense of self and need for others. They begin to feel vulnerable and show a greater willingness to accept support and attention from others" (Bergum, 1989, p. 60). To protect her child, a woman adapts to the situation and accepts her need for others. The archetype of the protective mother bear is already part of the pregnant woman's psyche. Hope Edelman, in her book Motherless Daughters: A Legacy of Loss (1994), writes about pregnancy: "It is a natural time of dependence...and a pregnant mother has a strong need for security and support" (p. 246). Generally, a pregnant woman seeks this security and support equally from her husband and mother (Edelman, 1994). A pregnant woman's relationship with her mother can be especially important during this period of her life. Without a mother or mother figure to guide her, boost her confidence, and give her words of encouragement, a pregnant woman may struggle with feelings of loneliness or uncertainty (Edelman, 1994). Ideally, an expectant mother will also feel safe and supported by her medical or midwifery team. Unfortunately, this does not always happen. The impact of lack of compassionate medical care can lead to adverse outcomes. Wolff (2001) says:
...the lack of compassion on the part of medical personnel...this lack of compassion actually has a medical effect. The level of compassion from your doctor or midwife or medical facility, and the amount of control you feel as a pregnant woman, can directly affect the physical outcome of the birth and your recovery from it. (Page 21) As the due date approaches, most women notice that their outward focus has changed. For example, when a woman goes out to do her daily chores, she sees babies and pregnant women everywhere (Bergum, 1989). She may find herself observing other mothers with their children, noticing how they interact with the baby, whether they are eating or feeding the baby, or what their facial expressions and tone of voice are. Whether consciously or unconsciously, she begins to learn how or not to behave as a mother in this world (Bergum, 1989). At this point, most women have created a fantasy about who their baby will be and what life with the baby will be like. Then comes the birth of the baby and reality.
Active birth
Although it may seem logical to assume that with the birth of the baby, the definitive birth of the mother also happens, but this is not always the case. Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern (1998) write: "The actual experience of childbirth is still part of the preparatory stage and may give birth to a physical mother but not a psychic mother" (p. 21). The birth of a child marks the end of the preparatory phase and the beginning of what we can call the active labor of the mother's emotional labor process. As a new mother spends her first moments with the little creature that has changed her life forever, she "will simultaneously face a past irretrievably lost and an uncertain future" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 68). The transformation that will take place over the coming weeks to months is accompanied by mixed emotions. Vengi Bergum (1989) believes that the physical pain a woman experiences during the birth of her child can be an important part of her transformation into a mother. He writes: experiencing the pain of childbirth provides the possibility of self-knowledge, knowledge of limitations and abilities, knowledge of new life as a mother and woman's place in the mysterious cycle of human life: birth, death and rebirth. As women give birth to children, in a way they give birth to themselves. (Page 82) With the completion of physical labor and the birth of a child, the waves of emotional labor increase in terms of frequency and intensity. The first few months after a baby is born are often referred to as the fourth trimester—or, as a dear friend of mine jokingly calls it, the first 100 days of darkness. These early months of motherhood are often experienced by many new mothers as “a very difficult period of adjustment” (Wolf, 2001, p. 3). There's a lot to learn quickly, and the pressure can be overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. We are thrown into this new role. We have no choice but to learn how to slow down and surrender to the process (Northrup, 2005). The woman we once were is dead, but the mother is not yet fully born. “We know we are not the same woman we were before birth, but we still haven't clearly defined who we are after birth. As a result, we get lost in our role as mothers.”
This is when most women feel the full impact of their new responsibility as a mother. When a woman comes to the realization that this little creature is now 100 percent dependent on her, it can be beautiful, moving, and terrifying. Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern (1998) write, "This reality is the only raw and compelling reality of the new mother's experience" (p. 95). Many of the women I spoke to talked about feeling the weight of responsibility at home with a new baby, including how caring for their babies and taking on new responsibilities made them feel more like mothers. "I don't think it felt real until after I gave birth to him," one woman wrote. Even then, in the hospital, I felt clinical. Once we got home and I started taking care of him independently – sleeping next to him, nursing through the night, diapers, etc., I felt more like a mother. It was gradual for me, with each new day I got to know him, I felt more like a mother. (Michelle) However, even as the woman struggles to adjust to her new role, she experiences deep and intense feelings of love that she has never experienced before. The physical birth of a child has opened an emotional window. A rush of postpartum hormones explodes through her body, amplifying all the emotions she's experiencing. "The fourth trimester is when you're likely to experience a degree of emotional openness, rawness, and instability unlike anything you've ever felt" (Northrup, 2005, p. 120). These intense feelings of love and other emotions are often an essential part of her new identity as a mother. A few weeks after the birth of the baby, I felt like a real mother. Loving that child, as I truly knew him, made me feel more like a mother. It was knowing that child that made me more in the role of a mother. (Maria).
The birth itself and the moments after birth play an essential role in creating romantic feelings that help the mother's emotional work progress. In his book The Hidden Life of the Unborn Child (1981), Thomas Verney, a psychiatrist and co-founder of the Society for Prenatal and Postpartum Psychology, states that numerous studies have shown that if a woman can physically bond with her child in the minutes and hours immediately after birth, she is more likely to be a better mother. They are "more caring, enthusiastic, and supportive" (Verney, 1981, p. 150). Infant-mother separation, which sometimes occurs with sick or premature infants, can have a "devastating psychological effect on their mothers" (Verney, 1981, p. 149). Of course, this does not mean that mothers who are unable to physically bond with their babies immediately after birth are poor mothers. This is mostly because mothers who have that time of immediate bonding with their baby may be off to a better start (Verney, 1981).
“Normal madness” – ambivalence, anger, and loneliness
Most new mothers, as they go about their new daily routine of feeding, diapering, and praying the baby to sleep, experience emotional swings beyond the infantile depressions that are biologically explainable. One moment there is pure joy and love in his heart and the next moment he can be filled with feelings of drowning in anger and rage. Ambivalence, anger, and loneliness are all part of what Angela McBride, in her book The Growth and Development of Mothers (1973), refers to as "normal madness" (p. 39). Despite society's message that new moms should be happy and enjoy every second of their babies' existence, the reality is that it's perfectly normal to have turbulent emotions surrounding parenthood. For fear of being seen as a bad mother, “fourth-trimester mothers are often reluctant to admit their anger, ambivalence, and loneliness. It is important to realize that these feelings, like feelings of happiness and joy, are a part of our humanity” (Krause Eheart & Martel, 1983, p. 46). It's normal for new moms to go a little crazy. It is necessary to accept the paradox of motherhood. We must learn to recognize and accept the shadow side of mother, because every mother definitely has one. When new moms deny this shadow side and try to push difficult feelings away, they may experience what many moms refer to as mom guilt. However, what they need to understand is that “nothing in the world has the power to make them happy forever. Anything or anyone capable of producing happiness is also capable of producing sadness, confusion, and anger, and this is where duality comes in" (Krause Eheart & Martel, 1983, p. 48). Being at home, dependent on a colicky baby, and being in their daily schedule can be exhausting and depressing. The sudden change from a social and work environment to a secluded life with your baby can be lonely. Waking up to feed your baby every few hours can make you tired and irritable. You may love your child with more love than you've ever experienced before, but you'll miss the life you once had and long for a moment of that freedom again. Some of the women I talked to expressed their problems with anger, loneliness, and ambivalence:
I once heard that being a mother means thinking about running away, and in your escape plans, you include your child, who was the main reason you ran away. I feel exactly the same. Sometimes I'm tired, but I can't imagine my life without my son even for a second. (Tatiana) Experiencing very little control over my time bothers me, and even though I knew in theory that I wouldn't have much time for myself and things would take longer, it's challenging to experience. I'm also surprised by the amount of anger and frustration I experience as a mother. Sure, now that my son is a toddler, there's lots of cuddling, but there's so much hair pulling, hitting, food throwing, kicking, and dirty work that it's hard for me to breathe. (Jessica) Breastfeeding was hard, but sleep deprivation was (and still is) killer. Loneliness was also a big part of motherhood that I didn't expect at all. I longed for a kind of common life like living in foreign countries. Doing routines with other moms would be nice. (Jessica).
Lack of a Village
Another key factor in the ease or difficulty of a woman's emotional labor and acceptance of "normal madness" is the presence or absence of a village to support her during the transition to life with a baby. Dr. Christine Northrup, author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom (2005), says that while raising and caring for their children, mothers need an "outside pair"—a community that can support, nurture, and renew them (p. 33). For the most part, North American women “are not strongly supported by their families, workplaces, and larger society in coping with the pressures of new motherhood” (Wolf, 2001, p. 5). This is where I see the urgent need for change in our society. I identify with Noami Wolff (2001) when she writes: I believe that the myth of motherhood's ease and naturalness—the ideal of the effortless, ever-giving mother—is reinforced, modified, and promoted as a way to prevent women from thinking clearly and negotiating strongly about what they need from their partners and from society in general to be good mothers, without having to sacrifice themselves in the process. (Page 7) We were never meant to raise children alone. Humans evolved in "alomatran" environments (Brizandin, 2006, p. 114). Mothers desperately need a villager to help them raise their children. I have heard this message many times from friends, family and community members who are other mothers. "New mothers need some form of validation, encouragement, observation, and support, especially from another woman who is more experienced at motherhood than she is" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 130). This support doesn't just mean someone helping out with a few loads of laundry, delivering meals or cuddling the baby while the mother takes a nap. This support is much more than these. New mothers need a “validating matrix” (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 133), a sisterhood of other mothers—more experienced mothers—who can help surround the new mother with a psychologically supportive environment. A friend of mine shared this experience about herself:
My village consisted of my husband and my mother… My mother was not only essential in fulfilling the physical needs of caring for the baby—feeding, changing diapers, comforting—but she also helped me emotionally. She was a calm and soothing presence when I was overwhelmed with despair, hopelessness, exhaustion, or just postpartum depression. She reassured me, encouraged me, and gave me the confidence to be the best mom I could be. I can't imagine going through those first few weeks and months without him. (Sharon) When a new mother has this type of support, “not only does it reduce her stress, but it is also associated with more positive behaviors and attitudes toward her child” (Cuzzolino, 2006, p. 202). Without a reliable and emotionally supportive environment, mothers can become anxious and insecure, and their babies can show signs of depression. Creating a culture that provides an appropriate supportive village for mothers is necessary to end the cycle of distressed mothers and distressed babies (Brizandin, 2006). New mothers tend to get this social support from close friends, family members, and of course their own mothers. When a woman gives birth, the same cascade of hormones that she experienced when she was born as a baby begins in her body. This activates the same primal need for mother that was present when the person was born (Northrup, 2005). Dr. Christine Northrup (2005) writes:
When you give birth, part of you longs to connect with your mother. The bonding circuits that formed the foundation of your relationship with your mother are being reactivated because the same hormonal environment is now re-established. Just like when you were born, every cell in your body screamed for your mother – it's primal. This is true even if your relationship with her is weak or she is no longer alive… This biological need for a mother is so strong that it can sometimes heal the relationship between a mother and her daughter. (Page 148) This is why many women find that the person they trust the most, feel the most safe with, and want the most validation and reassurance from, is their own mother. This is often true even when the mother-daughter relationship has been difficult. If the mother-daughter relationship is too strained or non-existent, the woman looks for a surrogate mother to guide her in the ways of motherhood.
Going beyond the past – becoming a “good enough mother”
Many women consider motherhood as an opportunity to become a “good enough mother” (Winnicott, 1971, p. 13) who They dreamed of it, but maybe they had never experienced it, they look. Sacks (2017) writes: …motherhood provides an opportunity for a change again. In a way, a woman can relive her childhood in the act of parenting, repeating what was good and improving what was not. If a woman has a difficult relationship with her mother, she may try to be the mother she wishes she had. (Paragraph 9) Since it is well known that women epigenetically inherit their mother's maternal behavior (Brizendin, 2006) and attachment style (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998), it is essential for new mothers to maintain a certain level of self-awareness if they are to move beyond the past and stop repeating history. "Inattentive maternal behavior can be transmitted up to three generations unless most beneficial changes in the environment occur before puberty" (Brizandin, 2006, p. 110). This is why, according to Shelfali Tasbari in his book "Aware Parent" (2010), we as mothers should be aware of our childhood wounds and how to express them. If we are to stop the intergenerational transmission of emotional and psychological pain to our children and grandchildren, we as mothers need to be deeply aware of who we are and how we affect our children. Personally, I have found this to be my biggest challenge as a mother. Raising two children is the greatest ongoing lesson in "using yourself safely and effectively" that anyone can experience. This challenge can be even greater for mothers of daughters, as mothers tend to identify and project themselves more onto their daughters than onto their sons, who are seen as the opposite of men (Edelman, 1994). In her quest to break the cycle of pain passed down from generation to generation, a woman heals not only her own wounds, but the wounds of all her female ancestors who came before her.
Pressure to be perfect – the embodiment of the archetype
When a woman begins to experience the challenges of motherhood, she may reach a point where she can suddenly see her mother and To see from a different perspective the ways in which he felt his mother was not good enough. What exactly is a good mother, she might ask? We live in a culture that sends the message that mothers should be kind, always available, always happy, and always put their children's needs first. Expecting a woman to be such a perfect, mythical mother is unrealistic and exposes women to feelings of shame and guilt (Sacks, 2017). The reality is that the mother archetype has a dual nature – “kind and terrible” (Jung, 1970, p. 16). This glorified perfect image of the mother is only one side of the mother archetype. In his classic book, The Four Archetypes: The Mother, the Trickster Spirit of Rebirth (1970), Carl Jung writes about the dark side of the mother archetype: “On the negative side, the mother archetype may refer to anything secret, hidden, dark; The Abyss, the world of the dead, all that devours, seduces and poisons, as terrible and inescapable as fate” (page 16). When women try to achieve an unattainable, supermaternal image, they are likely to end up feeling exhausted and resentful. Some women may recognize that they have been given a mythic image of motherhood and wonder how they differ from this perpetuated false image. They may ask themselves, is my image of myself as a mother realistic for me? It means searching for her personal truth, talking to other moms she trusts and respects, and learning to own the myriad emotions she feels and not just the ones culture says are acceptable. Authors Kraus Ehart and Martel (1983) discuss the importance of finding a personal definition of motherhood: one of the most important tasks women face in the fourth trimester of pregnancy is to reach a personal definition of motherhood. Doing so means sorting through and shifting feelings about motherhood that often conflict with what a woman thinks she will or should feel. Many women make the mistake of associating themselves with a mythical or fictional character that they assume will somehow grow into motherhood. Many of these women believe that their maternal instinct will save them when faced with a situation that they do not know how to cope with. Other women are looking for a "Supermom" – an imaginary figure who doesn't look like any real mother.
Every mother should try to achieve a realistic image of mother that balances between the mythic mother and the dark mother in order to be balanced and complete. As a collective, we need to stop perpetuating an unrealistic ideal for mothers. We must see that there is no one right way to be a mother.
Adaptation and integration
At some point in the early weeks to the final months of the postpartum period, most women find that they gradually feel more and more like mothers. They have fully adopted the mother archetype into their psyche. While they may still be mourning their former identity and loss of freedom, they slowly begin to adjust and integrate their new identity as a mother. Many women find that navigating their new identity means reorganizing their relationship with their partner and reassessing how their career fits into their new life. Most of the women I spoke to about their motherhood experiences said that their relationship with their partner had undergone some kind of change. New mothers find that their bodies have changed, their emotions have changed, they've been sleep deprived, and they feel the burden of responsibility for their child's needs. This can definitely affect the way a person interacts with their partner. Additionally, the deep love a mother feels for her child, along with the cascade of oxytocin, dopamine, and prolactin that flows through the nursing mother's brain, can "substitute or interfere with the new mother's desire for her partner" (Brizandin, 2006, p. 106). The emotions and neurochemistry she previously experienced from physical and sexual interaction with her partner are now triggered by caring for her new baby over and over again throughout the day. This means that there is often less desire for sex and close physical contact with them. Many women say that they also see their partner from a different angle. Just as a woman is settling into her new identity as a mother, she may find that she likes her partner more as a parent than a companion (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998). Then, there are struggles over how to share important responsibilities in their new roles as parents. Many couples are forced to take a hard look at their values and assumptions about who will do what when it comes to parenting (Krause Eheart & Martel, 1983). Rosita, a mother in my community, described the changes in her marriage this way: I don't think I've ever felt closer to my husband than in those first moments after my daughter was born. The regular struggles new parents have with breastfeeding, lack of focus in life, lack of sleep, financial worries – these were all things my wife and I experienced. It challenged our relationship and definitely exposed some flaws and weaknesses in our relationship. Some days I feel like we do great and some days we don't. I can see some things getting easier and others harder as our kids get older. It definitely takes effort to make our relationship a priority.
Reevaluate your career
Many moms feel the need to reevaluate their career as they adjust to their new identity. Many women feel confused between the role of mother and their career. Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern (1998) say: "Perhaps the most difficult place to find harmony is the bridge between the two roles of motherhood and work" (p. 202). There may be an internal struggle to find a balance between the joys and responsibilities of motherhood and a woman's personal desire for a career that will satisfy her financially and emotionally. Brizendin (2006) writes about this: Most mothers, to some extent, feel confused between the pleasures, responsibilities and pressures of their children and their own need for financial or emotional resources. We know that women's brains respond to this conflict by increasing stress, increasing anxiety, and decreasing brain power for mother and child work. This situation puts both children and mothers in a deep crisis every day. (Page 202) Women in these situations often feel that their lives no longer work. This can make many mothers reconsider their careers. When returning to work after maternity leave, they decide to reduce their workload, change jobs to a less demanding position, switch to part-time work or even stop working altogether. These are difficult decisions. Mothers who may not want to return to work but feel financial pressure to do so may experience loss, anxiety, and depression. On the other hand, women who are financially able to stay at home and raise their children full-time may end up feeling "like they are left out of society and wasting their education or career opportunities" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998). In her book, Spilled Milk Yoga: A Guided Self-Exploration to Find Your Wisdom, Joy, and Purpose Through Motherhood (2016), Kathryn Munro writes about her personal challenges of being a stay-at-home mom: As a mom, I work harder than ever, learn more than ever, doing what I know is the most rewarding thing I could ever hope to do. However, why am I so unhappy with myself?… Why do I feel so unrecognized? Maybe because no one recognizes it! I didn't become a mom for recognition, but here I work really hard and feel undervalued. (Page 75) We live in a culture that greatly underestimates the hard work that mothers do every day. Motherhood is the hardest, most exhausting, most unrecognized and unpaid job a woman can have. Our success culture does not recognize the many daily accomplishments of motherhood. This is another internal battle that mothers have to face.
Conclusion
The inner journey and process of motherhood is a profound psychological transformation that happens over time. Carrying a child, giving birth and learning to adapt to all the responsibilities of life with a child can be the greatest gift and the greatest challenge of a woman's life. A woman's world as a mother is turned upside down in unpredictable ways. I feel it is imperative that we give moms a chance to talk honestly and openly about their full travel experience. We need to encourage women to share their struggles and talk about the dark parts of motherhood as much as we talk about the bright sides. We must listen openly, without judgment and without automatic labeling. Despite the challenges, the sleeplessness, the loss of self and its impact on careers, friendships and intimate relationships, every woman I spoke with expressed a similar overall message of gratitude, joy and pure love for the children who had changed their lives in every way. One of my fellow moms in the community summed it up perfectly: I feel like most people see motherhood as butterflies and rainbows until they're completely immersed in it. The moment you give birth to that baby, there's a huge reality check. I expected it to be hard, but not this hard. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. I have no regrets and wish I could do it all over again and have more. Being a mother is the best thing I have ever been blessed to be. (Alina)
Translated from:
Journal of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health 34(5), Fall 2020 Sharing Space The Birth of a Mother: A Psychological Transformation Kate Babetin
https://birthpsychology.com/wp-content/uploads/journal/published_paper/volume-34/issue-5/vwmfBdzE.pdf
Seyed Kamal Rafiei
Life Skills 1404No experience in a woman's life is more impactful, inclusive and transformative than motherhood. The transition from woman to mother is a profound psychological experience that both overlaps with and is separate from the physical experience of motherhood. This article examines the psychological birth process of a mother by discussing the following: the identity change that occurs; Why is it important to understand the psychological experience of mothers; different stages of transformation; Factors that affect transformation; and the ways that motherhood affects a woman's identity, relationships, and career.
No experience in a woman's life is more impactful, profound, pervasive, and transformative than motherhood. Changing from a woman to a mother has a deep and lasting effect on a woman's psyche. When a woman desires or becomes pregnant, those around her tend to focus on her physical experience of motherhood and of course the health of her unborn baby. Giving birth to a mother, as any woman who has experienced this transition knows, is more than just the major biological changes and physical events that take place in her body. Motherhood is a profound psychological transformational experience that both overlaps with and is separate from the physical experience of motherhood. Living with a child redefines a woman's sense of identity in ways she may never have expected. For some women, the transition to motherhood is smooth. For others, each stage of change presents major challenges. Some mothers are born at the moment when they first wish to have their child. Other mothers don't fully conceive until weeks, months, or even years after the physical birth of their first child. The time, experience, and process of psychological birth of the "maternal mindset" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p.3) varies from woman to woman. In this article, I explore the psychological process of motherhood, including: the identity change that occurs; Why is it important to understand the psychological experience of mothers; different stages of transformation; Factors that affect transformation; and the ways that motherhood affects a woman's identity, relationships, and career.
While writing this article, I spoke with many of my fellow mothers in my personal circle of family, friends, and community. I asked some of these women to share their experiences of motherhood with me for the purpose of this article. In sharing their stories, I have protected their privacy by changing their names and removing identifying information.
The Female Hero's Journey
Since the early days of psychoanalysis and the influence of Freud, who was “unable to see women as human beings capable of providing their own universal norms” (Jennings Walstead, 1976, p. 2), there has been a view that motherhood is little more than a minor change in organization. The psyche does not create a woman. "No one thought that a woman's mental life could change so fundamentally with the arrival of a baby" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 5). This could not be further from the truth. Dr. Luann Brizendin, author of The Female Brain, writes, “Motherhood changes you because it literally changes a woman's brain—structurally, functionally, and in many ways, irreversibly” (Brizendin, 2006, p. 95). According to Brenner, the process of becoming a mother is a rite of passage.
Pregnancy and childbirth are fundamental beginnings for women. Beyond the temporal significance of the nine months, the pregnant woman experiences an archetypal experience equivalent to the journey of the hero/heroine. It is an experience that transcends time. By passing through this initiation, women connect with the mother (primordial feminine archetype) and the realm of feminine mysteries. Every aspect of being is involved: physical changes, changes in status, movement to a higher level of consciousness and spiritual flourishing. This experience gives women the ability to access and expand their self-knowledge. (Paragraph 2) Changing from wife to mother is the most profound psychological transformation that a woman can experience during her life (Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998). This is not a simple change. One of the mothers I interviewed wrote about her transformation process:
Becoming a mother completely changed my identity. I used to describe myself as an expert, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter… and then I lost that sense. I was no longer a career-focused professional. I didn't have time to be a wife or a friend. I had become a mother and it was all I could eat, breathe or think. I was no longer an independent person and I didn't have time to think about it. As a new side of motherhood emerged, I devoted all my energy and time to being the most informed and best mother I could be. (Adriana) This psychological transformation is not something a new mother can be fully prepared for. Even when a woman knows it's going to happen, it can still be shocking and painful. Many women feel lost and unsure of who they are during what they are often told should be the best time of their lives. This can make new moms feel like they must have a big problem. The reality is that getting lost in the ordeal that is new motherhood is all too common. There is a whole new part of you to get to know – your baby. Your identity now includes another entity. As a mother, your identity is “split in two, your independence cut in half” (Wolf, 2001, p. 60). Your personal needs and desires are no longer your top priority. "You are no longer a free agent in the world who is ultimately responsible for yourself. Your new duties as a mother are irreversible" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 14). The task of integrating your old and new identity can be an emotional rollercoaster. One new mother I spoke to said:
I don't think I could have understood the magnitude of the change in my life until it actually happened. People tell you how life-changing it is, but you can't fully understand it until you've been in it yourself. I was also surprised by how much I missed my "previous" life, even though I wanted kids and was excited to be a mom. And it still happens often. (Dawn)
Why is the process of transformation of a mother important?
Understanding the psychology of mothers is essential because the psychological transformation that occurs has an emotional impact on the children they raise. In a recent article on the importance of studying mothering, Dr. Alexandra Sacks (2017) writes: The process of mothering, which anthropologists call "mothering," remains largely unknown in the medical community. Instead of focusing on the transition of female identity, more research focuses on how the baby becomes. But it is important to examine a woman's story, in addition to how her psychology affects her parenting... (Paragraph 4) When a woman has a better understanding of the psychological process of motherhood, she can influence her children in a positive way. By becoming more aware of her process, she may be able to better tune in to her child's emotional needs (Sacks, 2017). Although both mothers and fathers certainly go through a process of transformation when entering the world of parenthood, the journey is especially impactful for mothers because we have the unique experience of the deeply personal mother-child bond that forms within our bodies over the many months of child development (Tasbari, 2010). Sometimes it's scary. It is an “internal and often private experience” (Stern & Bruschwiler-Stern, 1998, p. 3). A mother's mental labor, like the stages of physical labor, includes its own labor pains. However, childbirth in this process is not physical, but emotional. The duration, ease or discomfort of this emotional birthing process varies from woman to woman. While the physical birth of a child is a defining moment, the exact time of a mother's birth may not be so clear. Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern (1998) state: This maternal mindset is not born the moment the baby cries its first cry. A mother's birth does not happen in one dramatic and decisive moment, but rather gradually emerges from the cumulative work of many months that precede and follow the actual birth of the baby. (Page 3) With the beginning of emotional childbirth, the painful process of leaving the woman who was once also begins. As a new part of her is born, the pre-maternal identity begins to undergo a process of death. Many women in my community have spoken to me about feeling lost in the process of motherhood. Our culture does not give women much space to mourn this loss. We're expected to be grateful for a healthy baby and unpaid maternity leave from work to adjust to our new lives. In her book Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood (2001), Naomi Wolf writes, "Culture often insists that we keep the full range of our feelings and discoveries hidden" (p. 2). She discusses her concerns about positive psychology and the "happy talk" that makes up so much of the literature available to pregnant women.
But as any woman who has experienced it herself knows, the transition from womanhood to motherhood is not all rosy and rosy. In the often overlooked shadow of motherhood, there is a darker side. Positive psychology culture does not allow women to express their problems with new motherhood. Additionally, many women find that when they do express their problems, they are quickly labeled with postpartum depression and prescribed antidepressants. This message says that your problems are not normal and if you are not enjoying the glory of motherhood, you must have a big problem. Postpartum depression is a very serious mental health concern for an estimated 7.5% to 15.5% of Canadian women (Public Health Agency of Canada, 2014), and it is important to be appropriately diagnosed and treated. However, just because a woman is struggling with motherhood does not automatically mean she will experience postpartum depression. Sacks (2017) reviews this topic and writes: "Women often face a false dichotomy: either they have postpartum depression or they have to go through the transition to motherhood easily."
Stages of childbirth: preparation, active labor, adaptation
Dr. Daniel Stern and Nadia Bruschweiler-Stern in their book "Mother's Birth" (1998) state They do: the birth process of maternal mindset goes through stages. A new identity requires that you first prepare yourself mentally for the change, then undergo a lot of emotional work to reveal new aspects of yourself, and finally work hard to integrate these changes into the rest of your life.
Preparation
We can compare the preparation stage of emotional labor to the initial stage of physical labor. The contractions start, but we don't have enough time to push at all. The first step in the preparation stage is to decide to become a mother. When a woman consciously decides that she wants to become a mother, she prepares herself to allow the mother archetype into her life. Vengi Bergum, author of Woman to Mother: A Transformation (1989), writes: Opening up to the possibility of motherhood, of making room in one's life for a child, begins with a thoughtful decision... This decision, including both thought and action, is the beginning of change. By reaching the decision about children in their lives, women begin their transformation into mothers. (Page 51) Biology can also play a role in creating the early stages of emotional labor in the maternal mindset. When a woman holds a baby, perhaps a friend or family member, the pheromones carried by the baby's head can stimulate the woman's brain to produce oxytocin, the love hormone. For some women, this experience can lead to “babe lust” – a strong desire to have children (Brizandin, 2006, p. 97). The next step in the preparation process is fertilization. Jungian analyst Reina Maria Köhler (2013) writes that within hours of conception, the mother archetype is activated: a great example is the activation that occurs within hours of conception. A zygote that has already divided several times "learns," that is, it receives a chemical signal from the mother that tells it to be in the fallopian tube. This signal activates a specific gene in the zygote to produce and release a hormone in the fallopian tube and the mother's body that essentially says, "Hi Mom, here I am. Please prepare to accept me into your womb and prepare to support my growth for the next nine months." It can be said that this is the first embodiment of the mother archetype, where the archetype is the genetic pattern of communication between mother and child and child and mother, that is, a very old common pattern in the human race; And the visualization of those two signals is transmitted from the mother's fallopian tube to the fetus and then the hormonal signal from the fetus to the mother.
Kendra, one of the mothers I interviewed, described her experience as follows: From the moment the second line appeared on the pregnancy test, I felt like a mother. Being a mother was all I wanted in my life and in that moment I felt like all my hopes and dreams had come true. I knew that baby and I loved him dearly. Finding out the gender added another layer to it because she now had an identity, a name and an image of what we would one day share. But in my heart and soul, I was a mother long before I held my little boy in my arms. I carried him in my heart for nine months and was his mother. Thus, we can see that while a woman's body begins to change and adapt to the new life growing in her womb, her "mind is actively preparing the way for her new identity" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 20). In the months after conception, as her belly swells and the baby takes up more and more space in her body, a woman's identity, as she knows it, continues to change. He may begin to question aspects of himself, his beliefs, lifestyle choices, relationships, and career. An expectant mother is likely to find her identity questioned as she awakens to the new reality that her life, just like her body, is no longer solely her own. Erich Neumann (1955) explains this as follows: First and foremost, the woman experiences her transformative personality naturally and unreflectively in pregnancy, in her relationship with the child's development, and in childbirth. Here, the woman is a member and a tool for transforming the structure of herself and the child inside and outside herself. Therefore, for the woman, the transforming personality - even her own transformation - is related to the issue of the relationship with the mother from the very beginning... The development of the fetus already changes the personality of the woman.
Simultaneously with the development of the fetus, the progesterone level of the woman increases drastically during pregnancy. This hormone has a calming effect on her nervous system and helps deal with the flood of cortisol and other stress hormones produced by the fetus and placenta. This results in general relaxation for the pregnant woman, but also makes her hyper-vigilant about her health and safety and that of her unborn baby (Brizandin, 2006). Women who may have been fiercely independent before pregnancy and even early in pregnancy may “experience an altered sense of self and need for others. They begin to feel vulnerable and show a greater willingness to accept support and attention from others" (Bergum, 1989, p. 60). To protect her child, a woman adapts to the situation and accepts her need for others. The archetype of the protective mother bear is already part of the pregnant woman's psyche. Hope Edelman, in her book Motherless Daughters: A Legacy of Loss (1994), writes about pregnancy: "It is a natural time of dependence...and a pregnant mother has a strong need for security and support" (p. 246). Generally, a pregnant woman seeks this security and support equally from her husband and mother (Edelman, 1994). A pregnant woman's relationship with her mother can be especially important during this period of her life. Without a mother or mother figure to guide her, boost her confidence, and give her words of encouragement, a pregnant woman may struggle with feelings of loneliness or uncertainty (Edelman, 1994). Ideally, an expectant mother will also feel safe and supported by her medical or midwifery team. Unfortunately, this does not always happen. The impact of lack of compassionate medical care can lead to adverse outcomes. Wolff (2001) says:
...the lack of compassion on the part of medical personnel...this lack of compassion actually has a medical effect. The level of compassion from your doctor or midwife or medical facility, and the amount of control you feel as a pregnant woman, can directly affect the physical outcome of the birth and your recovery from it. (Page 21) As the due date approaches, most women notice that their outward focus has changed. For example, when a woman goes out to do her daily chores, she sees babies and pregnant women everywhere (Bergum, 1989). She may find herself observing other mothers with their children, noticing how they interact with the baby, whether they are eating or feeding the baby, or what their facial expressions and tone of voice are. Whether consciously or unconsciously, she begins to learn how or not to behave as a mother in this world (Bergum, 1989). At this point, most women have created a fantasy about who their baby will be and what life with the baby will be like. Then comes the birth of the baby and reality.
Active birth
Although it may seem logical to assume that with the birth of the baby, the definitive birth of the mother also happens, but this is not always the case. Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern (1998) write: "The actual experience of childbirth is still part of the preparatory stage and may give birth to a physical mother but not a psychic mother" (p. 21). The birth of a child marks the end of the preparatory phase and the beginning of what we can call the active labor of the mother's emotional labor process. As a new mother spends her first moments with the little creature that has changed her life forever, she "will simultaneously face a past irretrievably lost and an uncertain future" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 68). The transformation that will take place over the coming weeks to months is accompanied by mixed emotions. Vengi Bergum (1989) believes that the physical pain a woman experiences during the birth of her child can be an important part of her transformation into a mother. He writes: experiencing the pain of childbirth provides the possibility of self-knowledge, knowledge of limitations and abilities, knowledge of new life as a mother and woman's place in the mysterious cycle of human life: birth, death and rebirth. As women give birth to children, in a way they give birth to themselves. (Page 82) With the completion of physical labor and the birth of a child, the waves of emotional labor increase in terms of frequency and intensity. The first few months after a baby is born are often referred to as the fourth trimester—or, as a dear friend of mine jokingly calls it, the first 100 days of darkness. These early months of motherhood are often experienced by many new mothers as “a very difficult period of adjustment” (Wolf, 2001, p. 3). There's a lot to learn quickly, and the pressure can be overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. We are thrown into this new role. We have no choice but to learn how to slow down and surrender to the process (Northrup, 2005). The woman we once were is dead, but the mother is not yet fully born. “We know we are not the same woman we were before birth, but we still haven't clearly defined who we are after birth. As a result, we get lost in our role as mothers.”
This is when most women feel the full impact of their new responsibility as a mother. When a woman comes to the realization that this little creature is now 100 percent dependent on her, it can be beautiful, moving, and terrifying. Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern (1998) write, "This reality is the only raw and compelling reality of the new mother's experience" (p. 95). Many of the women I spoke to talked about feeling the weight of responsibility at home with a new baby, including how caring for their babies and taking on new responsibilities made them feel more like mothers. "I don't think it felt real until after I gave birth to him," one woman wrote. Even then, in the hospital, I felt clinical. Once we got home and I started taking care of him independently – sleeping next to him, nursing through the night, diapers, etc., I felt more like a mother. It was gradual for me, with each new day I got to know him, I felt more like a mother. (Michelle) However, even as the woman struggles to adjust to her new role, she experiences deep and intense feelings of love that she has never experienced before. The physical birth of a child has opened an emotional window. A rush of postpartum hormones explodes through her body, amplifying all the emotions she's experiencing. "The fourth trimester is when you're likely to experience a degree of emotional openness, rawness, and instability unlike anything you've ever felt" (Northrup, 2005, p. 120). These intense feelings of love and other emotions are often an essential part of her new identity as a mother. A few weeks after the birth of the baby, I felt like a real mother. Loving that child, as I truly knew him, made me feel more like a mother. It was knowing that child that made me more in the role of a mother. (Maria).
The birth itself and the moments after birth play an essential role in creating romantic feelings that help the mother's emotional work progress. In his book The Hidden Life of the Unborn Child (1981), Thomas Verney, a psychiatrist and co-founder of the Society for Prenatal and Postpartum Psychology, states that numerous studies have shown that if a woman can physically bond with her child in the minutes and hours immediately after birth, she is more likely to be a better mother. They are "more caring, enthusiastic, and supportive" (Verney, 1981, p. 150). Infant-mother separation, which sometimes occurs with sick or premature infants, can have a "devastating psychological effect on their mothers" (Verney, 1981, p. 149). Of course, this does not mean that mothers who are unable to physically bond with their babies immediately after birth are poor mothers. This is mostly because mothers who have that time of immediate bonding with their baby may be off to a better start (Verney, 1981).
“Normal madness” – ambivalence, anger, and loneliness
Most new mothers, as they go about their new daily routine of feeding, diapering, and praying the baby to sleep, experience emotional swings beyond the infantile depressions that are biologically explainable. One moment there is pure joy and love in his heart and the next moment he can be filled with feelings of drowning in anger and rage. Ambivalence, anger, and loneliness are all part of what Angela McBride, in her book The Growth and Development of Mothers (1973), refers to as "normal madness" (p. 39). Despite society's message that new moms should be happy and enjoy every second of their babies' existence, the reality is that it's perfectly normal to have turbulent emotions surrounding parenthood. For fear of being seen as a bad mother, “fourth-trimester mothers are often reluctant to admit their anger, ambivalence, and loneliness. It is important to realize that these feelings, like feelings of happiness and joy, are a part of our humanity” (Krause Eheart & Martel, 1983, p. 46). It's normal for new moms to go a little crazy. It is necessary to accept the paradox of motherhood. We must learn to recognize and accept the shadow side of mother, because every mother definitely has one. When new moms deny this shadow side and try to push difficult feelings away, they may experience what many moms refer to as mom guilt. However, what they need to understand is that “nothing in the world has the power to make them happy forever. Anything or anyone capable of producing happiness is also capable of producing sadness, confusion, and anger, and this is where duality comes in" (Krause Eheart & Martel, 1983, p. 48). Being at home, dependent on a colicky baby, and being in their daily schedule can be exhausting and depressing. The sudden change from a social and work environment to a secluded life with your baby can be lonely. Waking up to feed your baby every few hours can make you tired and irritable. You may love your child with more love than you've ever experienced before, but you'll miss the life you once had and long for a moment of that freedom again. Some of the women I talked to expressed their problems with anger, loneliness, and ambivalence:
I once heard that being a mother means thinking about running away, and in your escape plans, you include your child, who was the main reason you ran away. I feel exactly the same. Sometimes I'm tired, but I can't imagine my life without my son even for a second. (Tatiana) Experiencing very little control over my time bothers me, and even though I knew in theory that I wouldn't have much time for myself and things would take longer, it's challenging to experience. I'm also surprised by the amount of anger and frustration I experience as a mother. Sure, now that my son is a toddler, there's lots of cuddling, but there's so much hair pulling, hitting, food throwing, kicking, and dirty work that it's hard for me to breathe. (Jessica) Breastfeeding was hard, but sleep deprivation was (and still is) killer. Loneliness was also a big part of motherhood that I didn't expect at all. I longed for a kind of common life like living in foreign countries. Doing routines with other moms would be nice. (Jessica).
Lack of a Village
Another key factor in the ease or difficulty of a woman's emotional labor and acceptance of "normal madness" is the presence or absence of a village to support her during the transition to life with a baby. Dr. Christine Northrup, author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom (2005), says that while raising and caring for their children, mothers need an "outside pair"—a community that can support, nurture, and renew them (p. 33). For the most part, North American women “are not strongly supported by their families, workplaces, and larger society in coping with the pressures of new motherhood” (Wolf, 2001, p. 5). This is where I see the urgent need for change in our society. I identify with Noami Wolff (2001) when she writes: I believe that the myth of motherhood's ease and naturalness—the ideal of the effortless, ever-giving mother—is reinforced, modified, and promoted as a way to prevent women from thinking clearly and negotiating strongly about what they need from their partners and from society in general to be good mothers, without having to sacrifice themselves in the process. (Page 7) We were never meant to raise children alone. Humans evolved in "alomatran" environments (Brizandin, 2006, p. 114). Mothers desperately need a villager to help them raise their children. I have heard this message many times from friends, family and community members who are other mothers. "New mothers need some form of validation, encouragement, observation, and support, especially from another woman who is more experienced at motherhood than she is" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 130). This support doesn't just mean someone helping out with a few loads of laundry, delivering meals or cuddling the baby while the mother takes a nap. This support is much more than these. New mothers need a “validating matrix” (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998, p. 133), a sisterhood of other mothers—more experienced mothers—who can help surround the new mother with an environment of psychological support. A friend of mine shared this experience about herself:
My village consisted of my husband and my mother… My mother was not only essential in fulfilling the physical needs of caring for the baby—feeding, changing diapers, comforting—but she also helped me emotionally. She was a calm and soothing presence when I was overwhelmed with despair, hopelessness, exhaustion, or just postpartum depression. She reassured me, encouraged me, and gave me the confidence to be the best mom I could be. I can't imagine going through those first few weeks and months without him. (Sharon) When a new mother has this type of support, “not only does it reduce her stress, but it is also associated with more positive behaviors and attitudes toward her child” (Cuzzolino, 2006, p. 202). Without a reliable and emotionally supportive environment, mothers can become anxious and insecure, and their babies can show signs of depression. Creating a culture that provides an appropriate supportive village for mothers is necessary to end the cycle of distressed mothers and distressed babies (Brizandin, 2006). New mothers tend to get this social support from close friends, family members, and of course their own mothers. When a woman gives birth, the same cascade of hormones that she experienced when she was born as a baby begins in her body. This activates the same primal need for mother that was present when the person was born (Northrup, 2005). Dr. Christine Northrup (2005) writes:
When you give birth, part of you longs to connect with your mother. The bonding circuits that formed the foundation of your relationship with your mother are being reactivated because the same hormonal environment is now re-established. Just like when you were born, every cell in your body screamed for your mother – it's primal. This is true even if your relationship with her is weak or she is no longer alive… This biological need for a mother is so strong that it can sometimes heal the relationship between a mother and her daughter. (Page 148) This is why many women find that the person they trust the most, feel the most safe with, and want the most validation and reassurance from, is their own mother. This is often true even when the mother-daughter relationship has been difficult. If the mother-daughter relationship is too strained or non-existent, the woman looks for a surrogate mother to guide her in the ways of motherhood.
Going beyond the past – becoming a “good enough mother”
Many women consider motherhood as an opportunity to become a “good enough mother” (Winnicott, 1971, p. 13) who They dreamed of it, but maybe they had never experienced it, they look. Sacks (2017) writes: …motherhood provides an opportunity for a change again. In a way, a woman can relive her childhood in the act of parenting, repeating what was good and improving what was not. If a woman has a difficult relationship with her mother, she may try to be the mother she wishes she had. (Paragraph 9) Since it is well known that women epigenetically inherit their mother's maternal behavior (Brizendin, 2006) and attachment style (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998), it is essential for new mothers to maintain a certain level of self-awareness if they are to move beyond the past and stop repeating history. "Inattentive maternal behavior can be transmitted up to three generations unless most beneficial changes in the environment occur before puberty" (Brizandin, 2006, p. 110). This is why, according to Shelfali Tasbari in his book "Aware Parent" (2010), we as mothers should be aware of our childhood wounds and how to express them. If we are to stop the intergenerational transmission of emotional and psychological pain to our children and grandchildren, we as mothers need to be deeply aware of who we are and how we affect our children. Personally, I have found this to be my biggest challenge as a mother. Raising two children is the greatest ongoing lesson in "using yourself safely and effectively" that anyone can experience. This challenge can be even greater for mothers of daughters, as mothers tend to identify and project themselves more onto their daughters than onto their sons, who are seen as the opposite of men (Edelman, 1994). In her quest to break the cycle of pain passed down from generation to generation, a woman heals not only her own wounds, but the wounds of all her female ancestors who came before her.
Pressure to be perfect – the embodiment of the archetype
When a woman begins to experience the challenges of motherhood, she may reach a point where she can suddenly see her mother and To see from a different perspective the ways in which he felt his mother was not good enough. What exactly is a good mother, she might ask? We live in a culture that sends the message that mothers should be kind, always available, always happy, and always put their children's needs first. Expecting a woman to be such a perfect, mythical mother is unrealistic and exposes women to feelings of shame and guilt (Sacks, 2017). The reality is that the mother archetype has a dual nature – “kind and terrible” (Jung, 1970, p. 16). This glorified perfect image of the mother is only one side of the mother archetype. In his classic book, The Four Archetypes: The Mother, the Trickster Spirit of Rebirth (1970), Carl Jung writes about the dark side of the mother archetype: “On the negative side, the mother archetype may refer to anything secret, hidden, dark; The Abyss, the world of the dead, all that devours, seduces and poisons, as terrible and inescapable as fate” (page 16). When women try to achieve an unattainable, supermaternal image, they are likely to end up feeling exhausted and resentful. Some women may recognize that they have been given a mythic image of motherhood and wonder how they differ from this perpetuated false image. They may ask themselves, is my image of myself as a mother realistic for me? It means searching for her personal truth, talking to other moms she trusts and respects, and learning to own the myriad emotions she feels and not just the ones culture says are acceptable. Authors Kraus Ehart and Martel (1983) discuss the importance of finding a personal definition of motherhood: one of the most important tasks women face in the fourth trimester of pregnancy is to reach a personal definition of motherhood. Doing so means sorting through and shifting feelings about motherhood that often conflict with what a woman thinks she will or should feel. Many women make the mistake of associating themselves with a mythical or fictional character that they assume will somehow grow into motherhood. Many of these women believe that their maternal instinct will save them when faced with a situation that they do not know how to cope with. Other women are looking for a "Supermom" – an imaginary figure who doesn't look like any real mother.
Every mother should try to achieve a realistic image of mother that balances between the mythic mother and the dark mother in order to be balanced and complete. As a collective, we need to stop perpetuating an unrealistic ideal for mothers. We must see that there is no one right way to be a mother.
Adaptation and integration
At some point in the early weeks to the final months of the postpartum period, most women find that they gradually feel more and more like mothers. They have fully adopted the mother archetype into their psyche. While they may still be mourning their former identity and loss of freedom, they slowly begin to adjust and integrate their new identity as a mother. Many women find that navigating their new identity means reorganizing their relationship with their partner and reassessing how their career fits into their new life. Most of the women I spoke to about their motherhood experiences said that their relationship with their partner had undergone some kind of change. New mothers find that their bodies have changed, their emotions have changed, they've been sleep deprived, and they feel the burden of responsibility for their child's needs. This can definitely affect the way a person interacts with their partner. Additionally, the deep love a mother feels for her child, along with the cascade of oxytocin, dopamine, and prolactin that flows through the nursing mother's brain, can "substitute or interfere with the new mother's desire for her partner" (Brizandin, 2006, p. 106). The emotions and neurochemistry she previously experienced from physical and sexual interaction with her partner are now triggered by caring for her new baby over and over again throughout the day. This means that there is often less desire for sex and close physical contact with them. Many women say that they also see their partner from a different angle. Just as a woman is settling into her new identity as a mother, she may find that she likes her partner more as a parent than a companion (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998). Then, there are struggles over how to share important responsibilities in their new roles as parents. Many couples are forced to take a hard look at their values and assumptions about who will do what when it comes to parenting (Krause Eheart & Martel, 1983). Rosita, a mother in my community, described the changes in her marriage this way: I don't think I've ever felt closer to my husband than in those first moments after my daughter was born. The regular struggles new parents have with breastfeeding, lack of focus in life, lack of sleep, financial worries – these were all things my wife and I experienced. It challenged our relationship and definitely exposed some flaws and weaknesses in our relationship. Some days I feel like we do great and some days we don't. I can see some things getting easier and others harder as our kids get older. It definitely takes effort to make our relationship a priority.
Reevaluate your career
Many moms feel the need to reevaluate their career as they adjust to their new identity. Many women feel confused between the role of mother and their career. Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern (1998) say: "Perhaps the most difficult place to find harmony is the bridge between the two roles of motherhood and work" (p. 202). There may be an internal struggle to find a balance between the joys and responsibilities of motherhood and a woman's personal desire for a career that will satisfy her financially and emotionally. Brizendin (2006) writes about this: Most mothers, to some extent, feel confused between the pleasures, responsibilities and pressures of their children and their own need for financial or emotional resources. We know that women's brains respond to this conflict by increasing stress, increasing anxiety, and decreasing brain power for mother and child work. This situation puts both children and mothers in a deep crisis every day. (Page 202) Women in these situations often feel that their lives no longer work. This can make many mothers reconsider their careers. When returning to work after maternity leave, they decide to reduce their workload, change jobs to a less demanding position, switch to part-time work or even stop working altogether. These are difficult decisions. Mothers who may not want to return to work but feel financial pressure to do so may experience loss, anxiety, and depression. On the other hand, women who are financially able to stay at home and raise their children full-time may end up feeling "like they are left out of society and wasting their education or career opportunities" (Stern & Bruschweiler-Stern, 1998). In her book, Spilled Milk Yoga: A Guided Self-Exploration to Find Your Wisdom, Joy, and Purpose Through Motherhood (2016), Kathryn Munro writes about her personal challenges of being a stay-at-home mom: As a mom, I work harder than ever, learn more than ever, doing what I know is the most rewarding thing I could ever hope to do. However, why am I so unhappy with myself?… Why do I feel so unrecognized? Maybe because no one recognizes it! I didn't become a mom for recognition, but here I work really hard and feel undervalued. (Page 75) We live in a culture that greatly underestimates the hard work that mothers do every day. Motherhood is the hardest, most exhausting, most unrecognized and unpaid job a woman can have. Our success culture does not recognize the many daily accomplishments of motherhood. This is another internal battle that mothers have to face.
Conclusion
The inner journey and process of motherhood is a profound psychological transformation that happens over time. Carrying a child, giving birth and learning to adapt to all the responsibilities of life with a child can be the greatest gift and the greatest challenge of a woman's life. A woman's world as a mother is turned upside down in unpredictable ways. I feel it is imperative that we give moms a chance to talk honestly and openly about their full travel experience. We need to encourage women to share their struggles and talk about the dark parts of motherhood as much as we talk about the bright sides. We must listen openly, without judgment and without automatic labeling. Despite the challenges, the sleeplessness, the loss of self and its impact on careers, friendships and intimate relationships, every woman I spoke with expressed a similar overall message of gratitude, joy and pure love for the children who had changed their lives in every way. One of my fellow moms in the community summed it up perfectly: I feel like most people see motherhood as butterflies and rainbows until they're completely immersed in it. The moment you give birth to that baby, there's a huge reality check. I expected it to be hard, but not this hard. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. I have no regrets and wish I could do it all over again and have more. Being a mother is the best thing I have ever been blessed to be. (Alina)
Translated from:
Journal of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health 34(5), Fall 2020 Sharing Space The Birth of a Mother: A Psychological Transformation Kate Babetin
https://birthpsychology.com/wp-content/uploads/journal/published_paper/volume-34/issue-5/vwmfBdzE.pdf
Seyed Kamal Rafiei
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